husband doesn t want to go on family vacation husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

Food! Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. Well, this might seem like an obvious question, but have you told him that you need him to stop talking to you about this? Nevada decriminalized prostitution at the state level and left it to the counties. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. Thank you so much for your response! Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? Or is he bad whenever you are off doing anything on your own? My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. When I was fretting over whether to pursue a fantastic opportunity that would require a good amount of travel, he told me, Youve worked too hard to get where you are to not take ANY opportunity you want to take. And he means it. Is she free to travel then? Thats not how this works!! Holy smokes. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. Counseling perhaps. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). He asks that I check in with him once or twice a day for hi-and-I-love-you. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Biking to work? He is asking the wrong people. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. I am the main provider in our home, and it angers me that it seems he wants to sabotage my job because of his insecurities. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Create an account or log in to participate. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). The reality of the place is really NBD. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. But don't worry, Daisy. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Alisons advice suggesting marriage counseling is good. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. Okay. But it could be so many other things as well. Well discuss, compromise, agree to disagree, but I do NOT need permission. I go on business trips. And shes the main provider in the family? Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? either. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. i went away for a few days for work, but had some cool stories to come home with. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Dont even consider that risking your job is a reasonable option here your job isnt the problem. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Good points. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? 8 1 11 1. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Ithewhat??? How does he handle that? A decade? So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. And not his fault, it was mine! Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. Im trying not to bring up the topic for awhile till he meets with a counselor individually or together. You sound like a real piece of work. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Does he not control other things about your life OP? She is not the nicest mother in law, either. Advising someone that most religious counselors would agree with professional norms doesnt help someone in Bible Belt USA or traditionally Catholic Ireland or in rural Saudi Arabia. He has terrible night vision and shouldnt drive after sundown, and he is absent-minded and tends to forget to eat when hes working. Oh, for sure. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. Are we sure that survey actually happened? Sorry not sorry. Speaking as someone whos wife spent 8 months of 10 days on site near Chicago, 4 days home over the last year after 8 years of her doing essentially no business travel, I know spouse separation anxiety far better than I care to both on my part, and my wife. From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. When I moved to a big city to go to grad school, I got ALL KINDS of concern, especially when I started working swing shift and got home at midnight! I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). We saw a fun show with impersonators of Sinatra, Dean Martin, Cher, etc and fun dancers. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. Its a him issue. There was a recent one with the same problem! Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. Turned out my wife was in the backyard mowing but had taken a break before I drove up and my son was upstairs playing quietly on the computer. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. Yeah. He doesnt get to say you cant do anything. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Nail on head, right here. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. Theres a third option: Insist on marriage counseling with your husband. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Yes, this. A year? (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. But no gambling! We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. People cheat in the tiniest of towns. rarely cede ground. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. Not necessarily. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. On the flip side however, I do know some couples who havent spent a night apart in 20+ years. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. PS: My third period class, mostly high-functioning autism cases, is split. So thank you for the comments. If it were me I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship especially if there are not already kids. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! And at the end of the day, it doesnt matter because every time, its about something that doesnt really have a right or wrong answer. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. When I was in Vegas I called my husband 3 maybe 4 times a day during my breaks because I was so depressed and talking to him made me feel better. Ill be finding myself an apartment when I get back from Vegas. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). And to his credit, he cut it out. I have one. Nope. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. The husband may need counselling to discover why he willing to sabotage the family bread winner. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. I love New Orleans! I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. My husband and I went for our honeymoon, we had so much fun just walking through all of the hotels and people-watching, plus saw some really great shows. Exactly. But not the end of the world. The difference is it wasnt that he didnt trust ME, or that he was worried about me getting drawn into some sinful situation. Good luck to you in standing firm. Vegas does business trips right. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. That is your priority as a mother. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. Blergh. ), but she saw danger everywhere. Iasked ifI could come. Yup. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. She visited exactly once, got off in a suburb where the homes start at 300K and started screaming about getting shot at. You feel this way, youre affected in this way, you would like to see this happen, and so on. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. My grandmother pays for the trip. I actually disagree. Please be safe, and let us know what happens. It was BAD. The duration of the vacation. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. Arguments are by turns rewarding, arousing (in the physical arousal sense), angering, and anxiety-provoking. People watching! Your husband seems to think he has a say in whether he lets you go. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. But it wont be easy. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. Excuse me? Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. Seriously, I think most of my husbands friends have been to Las Vegas at some point for their jobs, no matter what their jobs are. Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Its the inappropriate (in typical American business culture) reaction of the husband thats the issue here, not whether its legitimate to try and get out of business trips sometimes. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. Work trips tend to not be fun because you spend the whole time WORKING and have no time to go out and have fun. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. Las Vegas hotels have cameras everywhere. You dont have to have cause to break up with someone! Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. I worry about things constantly. Well, they need to work on their relationship. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. He easily sleeps 4 hours. Even if you dont get fired or demoted, youre showing that you arent reliable to do normal business things, and youre missing out on opportunities to grow your career and to network etc. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. Instead, things got worse. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. Why doesnt he trust you? Has heever done this before with other people inhis life? People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. All rights reserved. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. Whats wrong with disembark? He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. I really dont recommend this course of action. The Rio does have huge rooms! Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. We can take care of ourselves. Why? I hope he really is as great as you say, and that this is a one-off. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. They dont have to go out of town to do it. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. I am actually going there next week. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. Exactly. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. Two birds one stone! as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. All the more reason to get out and build a life with someone who is your partner and not a leach who wants to cripple your independence and your career. I don't think it won't be that bad though. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. Sorry, Im a nope here. The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. I think Id feel safer there than in my own city, where things can get desolate sometimes. And voila- you're on the coast! He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. And added to that: if the husband doesnt believe its his issue, hes not likely to be willing to do the work of finding a therapist and getting therapy. Its just boring to us because we arent into flashy lights and gambling. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.".